Enough already Alia

I am not a nice person. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be mean spirited, I just am. I would like to be able to say that I don’t go out of my way to be mean but I just don’t know if that would be completely honest. For most people, a really successful joke is one that when delivered makes the audience laugh. For me, a truly successful joke is one that makes me laugh. I really don’t care if anyone else finds it funny. In fact, I think a joke is super hilarious, high art when it makes my audience uncomfortable. I’ve listed below (in no particular order) some of the common “Alia” jokes or just things I find highly amusing. These are things that many of you have witnessed me do.

• I love when there’s an empty Einstein’s box sitting on a table in the Green Lounge. Starving law students approach it and they look so eager and excited at the prospect of free food. But, alas, the box is empty! I see the glee turn to disappointment. I always find myself laughing at them.
• I’m a terrible singer. Sometimes I’ll go to karaoke and sing. I then like to approach someone who doesn’t know me and ask them in my most eager voice, “how was I? I’ve been practicing.” People become very uncomfortable. This has taught me a valuable lesson however. The lesson is that most people will not give you their honest opinion when asked for it.
• Res ipsa. Nuff said.
• Sometimes, if the conversation seems to be getting dull, I try to figure out a way to work in “when I had THE CANCER.” Wow, this one really gets to people. They immediately become apologetic, asking me if I’m okay. Then, I think they feel a little bit guilty for being put off by me and my lack of self control. It’s glorious.
• I also just generally lack any internal censor. This one always keeps things lively. I’ve also found that most people have no idea when I’m being serious or when I’m joking. I’ll let you in a little secret. Very rarely do I lie. If you’re hearing an “Alia Story,” it’s all true. That being said, most people don’t know if they should laugh, be angry, or sympathize with me. This tends to cause confusion, discomfort, and awkward silences. I love it.

I never pull punches. I’ve given it a try here and there, but it makes me feel all icky inside. I know that many find this behavior not socially acceptable but I seem to do just fine. I laugh when people trip. I tease my children. In fact, I’ve been known to go to school assemblies and laugh at other people’s children. Now, I have encountered some folks who are equally mean spirited and they seem to be very sensitive. This is where I think I win. I laugh at myself when I fall down. When I get called out on a fashion faux pas, I own it. I actually appreciate criticism. I welcome it. This doesn’t mean I’ll change. I kind of like the way I am. I do wonder sometimes about my outbursts. I wonder if I developed this sense of humor because I lack any censor or if I don’t censor because of the sense of humor. Interesting question, at least to me anyway and that’s all that really matters, right?